Inspiration is Everywhere

So today I woke up and found I released 20 pounds since the end of February. Who-hoo for me. Sure it’s taken discipline, portion control and some serious working out, but I truly couldn’t have done it without inspiration. It literally fell in my lap as I was uploading a youtube video. I came across someone who lost weight and kept a vlog. Then I saw other videos and whenever I wanted to order pizza hut, I visited a vlog or a blog instead. And it worked. But it’s not just in that department. Sometimes I log onto facebook, or flip a channel, see a picture, I hear a quote or see an interview that inspires me to keep moving forward with my dreams, or to not be discouraged by a temporary situation. And music, well that’s a whole other story. Some Jill Scott or India.Aire get me going in the morning.



So why am I able to find it, but others aren’t? I mean I am special, but no more special than the next person. It’s because I am open to it. Each day I look to be inspired, to be a better teacher, a better mother, a better friend. When I say look, I don’t mean search desperately (although sometimes it’s necessary). What I really mean is being OPEN. Knowing that I don’t always have to be the one to give myself a pep talk, or I don’t have to ask my mate for encouragement. If you allow your spirit to be open to it, it will come in whatever form it needs to. Simple enough.
Hopefully my blog serves as an inspiration to you.

Share where do you find your inspiration???


“Wake up in the morning and get out of bed, start making a mental list in my head, or all of the things that I am grateful for…”- India.Aire.

Knowing You

One thing about me that I am appreciating more and more is my self-awareness. Not everyone is there yet. Even when I’m being an A$$hole, I know why. I know when I’ve had too much and I need a break. I am able to listen to the signals my body sends me to let me know it’s time to detox, or it’s time to stop what I’m doing immediately and rest. I know who I am and feel no need to impress people with false appearances and images. When I get dressed I wear what I think feels good and looks good without regard to anyone. ( I love my man, but at the end of the day it’s not to  impress him).I don’t hang around people just because I think they make me look better. I don’t glamorize my position at work or in society.  I know my angles when I get my picture taken, and I know I love to have it taken.  I do 5 hours a week of exercise because I want to look a particular way for me, not because my BMI says I’m overweight. I can admit when I am afraid or when my feelings are hurt. I know when I’m being an emotional eater, or unreasonable. When work emotionally drains me I am conscience that there are better solutions than wine, but that sometimes those other things won’t work as quickly. I despise feeling vulnerable because of some childhood incidents.  I recognize that I feel sad on particular holidays, and I am very in tune to what excites me and discourages me. I know that I love to be inspired as much as I like to inspire others. Why do I say this? Because more and more I’m seeing people who don’t realize that they are unknowingly obsessed with food, ruled by their ego, always looking for validation,  looking for a father figure in a man, hating on others, or just plain lost. I get it in teenagers, but in adults it irks me. I know we all have issues and everyone deals with them differently (writing has been my salvation) but every now and then I get frustrated. Lately though, I have actually been feeling blessed and lucky that I am where I am. There was a time that I didn’t get it. Now I do. Being self-aware allows me to step back and look at situations differently. It allows me to understand the behavior of others and empathize, sometimes sympathize. It allows me to plan accordingly and to make more informed decisions. I think people really need to take more time and get to know themselves on a deeper level. It makes life so much more manageable because you do less dumb stuff (I can’t articulate it any better) and you question why less often. Next week I am on vacation from work and while yes, I’ll be hustling as usual, I will continue to make time to listen to my inner self and make sure she is getting all she needs.

Aristo...what????

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am aristoway. See part of me is reminiscent of an aristocrat, in that I carry myself like nobility. I am an educated woman who seems to be living the American dream…career, home ownership, opportunity. I read books (and write them too), I mentor, and I give back to the community. Hell, I don’t litter. I don’t care about flashy, pricey clothes, expensive cars or any other thing that might be stereotypically connected to someone of my upbringing. Many of my peers are in the same boat financially, educationally, etc.  Additionally, I try to surround myself around people who are going places, and not ones who are stagnant. But at the end of the day, my mother was born in the rural South, my great grandfather was a sharecropper and son of a slave, and I was raised in a predominantly Black neighborhood, or what we call “the hood.”



I lived in the projects and drank 40 ounces.I've fought on the street, had family against family royal rumbles.  My aunt buying a home was a big deal. Me graduating from a four year college was a big deal. Me being the first in my family with a Master’s, even bigger deal. This is where the away part comes in. At the heart of it all I’m still L.L Cool J’s eternal ‘Round Away Girl. I can “break hearts and manipulate minds, or surrender act tender be gentle and kind.” In a good pair of shoes I can “walk with a switch and talk with street slang.” This book and street smart combo have actually helped me with my career, but for the rest of my life I will float back and forth between both sides.


On one hand I'm disgusted with bad hair weaves ('cause I keep mine is  tight), or people who spend more money on labels than they can afford. I despise women who date drug dealers once they are over the age of 25. I am angered by people stuck in the short term thinking, people who are satisfied with government hand outs and swear they are “independent”. Those who are young (19 to 24) I try to lead, for those who are my age I avoid. (Hmmm...maybe I should try to shed some light their way???) . I have little patience for people who make excuses and are shaming our ancestors.


But then there’s the ToyaB who understands the struggle; that the system is set up to fail us. I am Pro-Black, viva revolution all day when comes disadvantages and injustice to our people.  I undersand why it's easier to not try. Then there’s Latoya who says, so what? Prove then wrong. Back and forth.
Sometimes ToyaB takes over completely; I start talking loud, using my hands, spittin’ derogatory terms, dropping F bombs. Sometimes I find myself reverting back to ToyaB, ready to whip some ass, becoming confrontational and caring less about people’s feelings. (Luckily Latoya reminds her that she has a job she doesn’t want to lose otherwise I would have caught a case a long time ago.)






As I said before, sometimes it’s an advantage when I’m trying to reach youth. I can understand and show them that there is life beyond torn down buildings, and the block.  Then other times it feels like I stumble when I have hood moment or though. After I snap back to reality and accept that I had a moment I say " Oh Well!" But this is who I am, an aristoaway. This is why I am wonderfully imperfect and full of complexity. This is why I will always be Latoya and ToyaB

Reality Check

As cruise around in my 2005 ford focus, I sometimes find myself wishing I was sniffing a brand new car scent instead of Frebeeze. I sometimes wish I didn’t have to turn my music up loud so I don’t have to hear the roaring of my engine. When I look at the scratches, and dents, or I “roll” up my window, I think, I want a new car! Do I need a new car? No! But I want a new car! Then I have to give myself a reality check. Truth is… life without car notes (after having one every year since I was 19) is sooo much better. Truth is… my car works perfectly fine. Truth is… when I take the time to vacuum it out, throw some Armor All on the dashboard, and ride through the car wash, my little baby will do just fine. So why do I have these moments? Simply because I get caught up in image, like many others. My ego takes over and temporarily I want to look like I feel. Status begins to trump common sense. But like I said, it’s temporary. I quickly return to my right frame of mind and realize that while I would look fly riding around in a 2012 whip, it doesn’t fit into my new life’s budget. I am just happy that I recognize it and am willing to live by it. Too many people I know choose to do the opposite. They stay in a new car they can’t afford, or laced in labels while drowning in debt. All for what? To look good for other people who don’t help you pay your bills? This is what I have to remind myself when I want to follow that new boot trend, or get the latest Iphone. What difference will it really make in my life???? The reality is it won’t. I may have a short lived desire for it, but I have bigger and better long term desires, and that is what I need to focus on. Creating more debt will not ultimately give me the life I want, but hard work, dedication, and investing will. As I continue strive for all the visions on my vision board I know I will continue to have these moments and I will have to give myself a much needed reality check. What are your thoughts?

I finally got it 2011

It’s usually so easy for me to self-reflect at the end of a year because I list all my accomplishments. Last year this time had so much I was proud of, so much that I had set out to do and did. This year I don’t have a list, I have a learning experience. It started off finding I was pregnant in January. Then I found out in April that the classroom I had been teaching in for 6 years was closing and I would be teaching in a different building, with a different position. A place where I’d taught summer school for years but had no real desire to be at full time. Not to mention I’d be starting my day an hour and a half earlier, and driving further, while dealing with a new baby and day care. The uncertainty consumed me and I threw a hissy fit inside. How was I to deal with it? Around the same time I was forced to stop teaching Zumba because my belly was growing and it just became downright difficult. So there was my extra income and my release of tension. 

                This year I also had to question people in my circle, in the immortal words of Jay-Z: Friend or Foe????  Not just friends, but family too. You expect hate from certain people but when it comes from those who are supposed to love you, it’s hard to swallow. Unfortunately it happens, and all too often. Why wouldn’t they want to see you happy and accomplished??Don’t get me wrong, I understand why, but I don’t understand why family, why so-called friends.

                                The number of times I’ve performed spoken word this year, I can count on one hand.  The list of things I wanted to do as far as promoting my book, but didn’t, I can count on two hands.  I can’t say I don’t miss the momentum I had going.

I’m sure it’s sounding like 2011 was bad, but of course it wasn’t.  The job I dreaded beginning is actually enjoyable. I feel more connected to my school than before and I am in a position where my talents and skills an educator can be seen and utilized. In edition, here is my list accomplishments: (because sometimes you just need to see it.)

Nurtured and birth a healthy baby boy who lights up my life

Got engaged

Acted for the first time on stage (since 4^th grade)

Wrote for an online magazine

Featured at the Langston Hughes Center in NY (he is my poetic boo)

 Launched a website for my memoir

Applied for two higher education positions

Sent my book out to literary agents

 Captained a team for the American Cancer Society’s relay for life

And perhaps the most important (next to the whole baby thing), I learned to stop and smell the roses then accept the fact that seasons change!

 That was the lesson that God had in store for me all year long. I was moving much too fast to chase my dreams that I didn’t take the time to enjoy life. I had to slow down. Momentum is good but speed is not. I accept the fact that sometimes we create change in our lives and other times we have to surrender and embrace change. That means on the job and in relationships.  I had to let go of a lot of control this year, and sometimes it was like pulling teeth. I had many moments where I felt completely helpless. In hindsight, or reflection should I say, I realized that it was all necessary and a part of my path…going through it to get to it, as they say.

                In 2012 I am looking continued growth on all levels but at a slower, steadier pace. I say this as I recall India Aire’s song Slow Down (you’re going too fast, you got your hands in the air and your feet on the gas. That was me, and now I got it, God. I got it. Happy New Year!

Whew...

My first week back at work after 2 months, and guess what I’m still learning…yup…how to surrender! While I thought I suffered from a lack of sleep over the last few months, reality really hit this week. See, when I was on maternity leave, I could go back to sleep in the mid morning. Now when my bookas ( my baby)  wakes up at 5am, we have to stay up and get ready to venture out so I can be at work by 7:15. So All week I’ve been getting about 4 to 5 hours of sleep.   
   I thought I would spring into things and fully become the old me... Work, home, and gym, after eating well all day and drinking plenty of water. NOPE! Instead, it’s 3 cups of coffee a day, a glass of wine at night, no gym at all, and take out for breakfast, sometimes skipping lunch or sucking down something like Taco Bell so I can catch-up on my lesson planning.( I brought a water to work everyday and drank only half of it. Totally not my style, I usually drown myself in water).
     After only stopping to pee all day, I leave work at 2:30 and it’s off to home to do chores, pick up my son from practice, help my nephew with homework, figure out what the hell we are having for dinner, and spend time with my baby (who misses mommy. ) I’m tired just writing about it. My first instinct was to trip, flip, and breakdown. Stamp my feet and say…I can’t do this!!!!!. But something as simple as a hot shower at the end of the day or India Aire in the morning changes all of that and puts things into perspective. There is no longer an old me. So what do I do? I re-invent myself to adapt to my new life. The inner me, the dreamer, the poet, the dancer, the make it  happener (okay not a word) are still the essence of who I am, but I have to re-adjust.



I decided to just survive this first week, get into the hang of things, get the timing right, figure out what works and what doesn’t, so that next week I can not just survive but actually feel accomplished when I‘m done. This meant looking past laundry that needed to be done, leaving the baby’s pj’s on the bed until I get home (instead of feeling like they had to be put in the hamper), and being okay with leaving the flat iron in the bathroom, or the iron on the kitchen table. The world won’t end if the house is out of order until I come home.


Now that it’s Thursday and I feel like I made it, I’m ready for some more re-adjustments. So next week I will replace two of those coffees with decaf green tea, and find time to drink water while I’m at work beside just at lunch. Besides I'm sure my students won't mind if I stop talking for a few minutes.  I pledge to get in some exercise which I know is my best source of energy, at least once a day. Even if it’s just some jumping jacks while waiting for my hot water to boil! I went shopping last night to buy me some healthy snacks and lunch…no more skipping meals! That’s all I’m asking of myself. Just a little bit of my time to improve my quality of life, be my best self, and more importantly keep my sanity in my new crazy life.

6 weeks later...Easier said than done

On October 4 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy Elijah Langston (named after my poetic boo Langston Hughes.) The next day my boyfriend proposed. Then when I got home from the hospital, reality set in. I was slowly learning to surrender with the pregnancy, but I had no idea it would have to continue AFTER. Nor did I realize how much my patience with myself would be tested. The first thing was my new body. I would wait 6 weeks before I could be my regular energetic self. I would have to take it easy and not over exert myself. Easier said than done. While everyone is at work and school, you look around and laundry that needs to be done, a bathroom that needs cleaning, and vacuum cleaner that needs to be fixed so the floor can be vacuumed. So I had to decide, do I sleep while baby is sleeping and wait until everyone gets home so they can clean, or do I do it myself? Do I make bottles or try to make myself look like less of a mess. Yes my self-confidence was shaky as I looked at the bags under my eyes, or at the leggings I was tired of wearing because my uterus had not shrunk and my  stomach looked like a deflated soufflé. It is so real. You just wish you could snap your fingers and get yourself back. Then I look at my outdated website, and deadlines for the publications I write for. I could take a break, but I don’t want to.  So the last six weeks have been a flip flop back and forth between do this, or do that?? And feeling like I haven’t gotten enough done during the day. But the logical side says “HELLO you just gave birth and you are on maternity leave. LET IT GO!”  Easier said than done. But here I am six weeks later, slowly trying to get my groove back. My strategy… take one thing at a time introducing things back in my life. First exercise, then writing, then promoting myself, eventually I’ll be back on the mic (Can’t wait.) I do what I feel like doing. SO If I wanna get cute just to sit in the house, I will. I f I don’t feel like brushing my teeth until 2pm, so be it. I can’t lie some days I still feel like flip flopping ( do this or do that while he's napping), but for the most part I think I’m getting the hang of it. I think I can finally get over asking myself, “How will I do it all?” I’m Brenda’s Child, making things happen is what I do!